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Haha I so did not get my life back. Who was I kidding? Back to the same old crap, counting cals and living by the scale. Food is my every thought and who did I think I was to try and change that. Ana has her grip on me. I'm considering doing the ABC again, but who knows. |
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So I've been attempting to eat decent and exercise regularly. I was almost normal for like a week. But then I got sick of no results because the right way takes time so I started restricting again. I run 2 miles and lift weights 3 days a week. I feel better. I feel stronger, more confident even though I haven't lost any weight. Exercise and not getting light headed is good. I'm eating more than I used to, but I'm still only at about 500 calories a day. I eat just enough to keep me going. I also just started watching my carb intake. Hopefully I can find a good balance between eating and exercise and try to get my life back. I don't want to think about food and weight every second of the day, it's exhausting. Plus, I'm happy when I exercise without feeling sick. |
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Alright so I've just recently started hard core restricting again. Yesterday I only had 62 calories. I am desperate to lose this weight in the next three weeks. In three weeks I go home for spring break and my best friend's wedding. I want to lose so much weight that everyone I know goes: "Wow, you've lost so much weight!" And I'm a bride's maid in my friend's wedding so I want to look amazing while I'm stading up there in my pretty little dress. I let myself go so badly. Two days ago I weighed 115 and now with extreme restricting I'm down to 111. Ugh I remember when I weighed 92 lbs, I want to be there again. It used to seem so easy, but the older I get the harder it is to control and for the weight to come off. I can't stand the way I look right now. I won't wear anything that's not baggy and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I'm afraid to see what I look like at this weight. I will be thin again. |
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I've been fighting with myself so much lately. I tried recovery and it felt good for a second, but then after I gained the weight I felt worse than I did before. I now understand the true gravity of my situation. I hate myself and my image makes me sick. I've always had problems with eating and weight, but I never felt trapped until now. I must get this weight off or I'll never be happy again. I have about 25 lbs to lose, AHHH! |
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I've had a really hard time lately. I ended up fasting for 5 days to make up for the days I went over on the abc diet and got down to 92 pounds, but at the end of those 5 days I got so sick. I drank too much alcohol after fasting for so long and I got so dehydrated and sick. I didn't like that feeling and I lost my control after that. I binged and binged. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and of course ate way too much. Now I'm fighting to get control. I re-started the abc diet and now I'm on day 4. I've stayed on track with it and I've lost 4 pounds, now back at 103.8 pounds. It feels good to have some control back. I have a week until I go home for Christmas break. It's not going to be easy to stay on track while living with my parents for a month. I have a nasty cold right now that is really killing my schedule. I'm so behind in preparing for finals and stuff. I think I'm gonna go drink a 25 calorie cup of hot chocolate.
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So I started the abc diet on the 22nd of Oct, but it hasn't gone very well. I went over my calorie intake quite a bit. But I've been working to make it up. I decided that I'm gonna fast for every day that I went over. So today I am on day 3 of my fast and I need 4 days to fix the damage. After this fast it is my goal to pick back up on the diet. It feels so good to fast. I feel like I'm in control again for the first time in awhile. I just have a few binge foods that keep getting to me. <TRIGGER> Like pizza, taco bell and chinese food. OMG even typing the word pizza gets to me. Ugh why can't I hate pizza? Or better yet, why can't my favorite food be healthy? I do love caesar salads, but they're not as healthy as you might think. A large chicken caesar salad has like 1100 calories, SIGH. Okay so no more food talk. I want to see my ribs so bad. I weighed in at 97 lbs this morning but i still feel like I have more fat on my tummy than most girls at the same weight. I guess I need more crunches in my routine. So my goal weight is still 85 lbs, for now. In less than a week I am getting measured for a bridesmaid dress and I'm freaked. I don't want to touch solid food until then, but I'll have to. I'm taking my boy toy out to dinner for his birthday. OMG it's gonna be awful. I'm sticking with a salad and I don't care if he bitches at me. So I need to lay off the alcohol while I'm fasting too. Last weekend I hadn't eaten at all and I went out and had 8 shots of rum. I was so drunk that I decided to drive home and ended up wrecking my car and breaking my finger. Gosh I'm such a dumbass. P.S. I love Mary Kate  |
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So Halloween weekend went badly for me. There was lots of hanging out with friends, going out to eat and such. I had a lot of fun, but it killed my abc diet. I did go over my calories, but I also ate healthy stuff. I didn't like go on a candy binge or anything. I purged a few times because I felt so ashamed in myself, but I had to stop because my throat got so sore and started bleeding a little. I got back on track with the diet after that and even fasted an extra day. When I fell back into ana I weighed about 112 lbs. and now I weigh about 100 lbs. Today I only ate once late and all day my stomach growled and I loved it. Hunger pains are so comforting. So I read this ana quote off of someone's picture or page and it has given me more strength than anything. It states "Starvation is control. Control is tough. Bones are beautiful when this isn't enough." I guess I just like it because I like to think of myself as a strong person and ana can get really tough sometimes. Well tomorrow is going to be another full fasting day, I'm allowed 350 calories according the the abc diet, but I still just feel so ashamed about Halloween weekend. Oh and I discovered a great low cal fast food, it's a 6" veggie delight from Subway. You get all the veggies and a low fat dressing on wheat for only 230 cals! Eating meat can be a killer ladies,so cut it out of your diet for good!
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Today is day 3 of my ana boot camp (abc). So far things have been going okay. I've managed to stay below the calorie allowance, but today I ate more than I wanted. The allowance is 300 cal and I had 200. I wanted to stay around 100, but I worked out today for the first time in awhile (I ran 1 mile and did 2 miles biking) and I just felt weak with a headache. So that is why I ended up eating more. Now that I think back, I really could've done better. The time seems to be dragging tonight. It's about 8pm or so and I feel like it should be midnight. I'm so super tired. I have to stay up and watch Bionic Woman and Life, two of my favorite shows! Tomorrow I'm going Halloween costume shopping with my roommate Kim and my friend Blake and I'm super excited except the fact that I ate too much today and it's gonna show tomorrow, ick. I hate my flab, it's everywhere. I didn't even realize how fat my legs were until today. I never look at my legs because I don't like them, but today I wore shorts to exercise in and I found out that my legs are even fatter than I could possibly imagine! When I was eating my oatmeal snack today I seriously thought about every bite going straight to my hips and stomach! It disgusted me so bad that I only ate half of the bag, thank goodness! Here's what I had today: (so bad!) 1/2 of oatmeal snack bag 45cal salad with low fat french dressing and croutons 105cal 5 radishes 10cal 1 bag low fat popcorn 40cal Total of 200 cal!!!
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Yesterday was the big day. My parents came in town and I ate myself sick, literally. I had: a donut & 2 ham pinwheels for lunch 3 ham pin wheels & 1/5 a pasta dish for dinner 1 apple dumpling with 5 scoops of ice cream for dessert a grape gatorade for hydration a total of 3011 calories!!! That night I was cramping and in so much pain that I felt like my stomach and intestines were trying to cramp into a golf ball. I thought I was going to die. I will never do that again. And I still haven't pooped! Ahh! The only good part of yesterday was going on a 2 mile horseback ride! So today is a new day and it's the first day of my 50 day ana boot camp! However I think the outline calories set are a little high so I'm trying to stay below them. Today all I had was a bag of low fat 40 calorie popcorn, it's my favorite meal. It's a good source of fiber too. |
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I broke my fast last night and gorged on bad food. I'm so ashamed. I ate like 1015 cal, ick! I wanted to throw it up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Well so far today I haven't eaten anything and I'm thinking for dinner I'll just have some broccoli and for now I'll snack on a cup of broth. Hopefully I can stay strong. I made a red beaded bracelet the other week and I look at it and think about my fellow anas when I want to eat. I feel like I'm just not nearly as skinny as I should be for what I weigh. I look at other girls that weigh the same and they look soooo much better than me. Why do I have such a nasty layer of chub that won't go away?!
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The past couple of days have been a little rough. I just found out that my ex-fiancé was cheating on me when we were together. Not only that but he is dating that girl and has been since before we broke up. I also saw a picture of them kissing that was taken when we were still together. Ugh. It's not that I want him back or still love him, because I don't, it's just that it hurts to know that someone you thought you could trust is a bastard. It makes me cynical of all men and marriage. I'm so glad I called off the wedding before I made the biggest mistake of my life. It sucks because my out is wine and wine has soooo many calories! Today is the first day of my fast. This is a test of my will power. My parents are coming to town to visit me on Sunday and I know they are gonna feed me all day so I'm trying to make up for it in advance. I'm fast from today until then. I will allow myself water, green tea, coffee, Coke zero and possibly some radishes or broccoli if I get too weak. I also have two finals coming up and I'm not sure how my fast is going to effect my studying. I need some ana support! Right now my weight is 107 and my goal weight is 85!
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sick
groggy
aggravated
disappointed
annoyed